Me and my exercises

I was at friends house the other day and he was showing me all his exercise equipment, he's got a rowing machine and a treadmill and a bike and one of those stair things, and I noticed that none of them went anywhere and asked him about it he said "Oh it's called a resistance work out it's better for you." So I'm not stupid, I went home and nailed my running shoes into the floor.

Scotsmen and Their Golf

Have you realized how drunk a scottsman can get, that they can wear a skirt and not care? Or how they can invent a sport like golf! "Here's my idea for a frickin' sport! You knock a ball in a gopher hole.""Oh you mean like pool?""Back off pool! Not a straight stick, with a little bent-up stick! I whack a ball and it goes in a gopher hole!""Oh, you mean like croquet?""Junk croquet! I put the hole hundreds of yards away, I put junk in the way, like trees and bushes and grass, so you can lose your frickin' ball and you can go whackin' away with a frickin' tire iron! Whackin' away, and each time you miss you feel like you're gonna have a stroke! Heck! Thats what we'll call it! A stroke, cause everytime you miss you feel like you're gonna frickin' die! And at the end I'll put a little flat piece with a flag to give you some frickin' hope! But then I'll put a pool and sandpit to suck up your ball again!""Oh, and you do his one time?""Heck no! 18 frickin' times!"

Blame Canada

Times have changed, our kids are getting worse
They won't obey their parents they just want to fart and curse,
Should we blame the government? Or blame society?
Or should we blame the images on TV?
No!

Blame Canada, blame Canada
With all their beedy little eyes have packed their heads so full of lies,
Blame Canada, blame Canada,
We need to form a full assault its Canada's fault

Don't blame me for my son Stan, he saw the darn cartoon and now he's off to join the klan
And my boy Eric once had my picture on his shelf
But now when I see him he tells me to oohhh myself
Well?

Blame Canada, blame Canada,
It seems that everythings gone wrong since Canada came along,
Blame Canada, blame Canada
They're not even a real country anyway

My son could have been a doctor or a lawyer rich and true
Instead he burned up like a piggy on a barbeque,
Should we blame the matches? Should we blame the fire?
Or the doctors who allowed him to expire?
Heck no!

Blame Canada, blame Canada,
With all their hockey hollabaloo and that witch Ann Murray too!
Blame Canada, shame on Canada,
For the stuff, we must stuff the trash, we must stash the laughter,
And junk must all be undone, we must blame them the cause of the fuss
Before somebody thinks of blaming us!